Have you ever found yourself involved in a strong conflict with someone? I think it’s safe to say that we all have at some point in our lives. At the encouragement of my past District Director, and my now good friend and campaign floor manager, I’m going to share ‘our story’ because it stands as a real-life lesson on the importance of conflict resolution and the resultant growth.
Over a decade ago, I became Club Growth Director. Oh, the excitement of being on the Trio 😊. There was a lot to do – we were a large District and we were ambitious as to what we could achieve. At the same time, though, I was serving in a consulting role, leading a company with serious trouble and conflict. This was demanding more and more of my energy. I was starting to feel the pressure, but I didn’t share this and I didn’t ask for help.
Luanne was my District Director and her memory is that our disagreements—and stand-offs—were because we didn’t agree on strategy. Really the problem was that I didn’t know how I could deliver on the strategy she wanted and I didn’t know how to admit that. The conflict grew into more than just being about strategy, it became about our inability to work together. The longer the conflict continued, the higher the stone wall grew between us.
We lived in different countries, she in Ireland, me in England. This was before the days of Zoom when you could see each other regularly, even if only over a screen. On one District Leadership audio conference call, it became evident to all that she and I were in conflict. It was not a great team moment. Between us, we decided we needed to meet in person to work this out and I travelled to Dublin to see her.
When we met we agreed to be perfectly honest about how we personally saw the situation, and how it affected our own attitude and actions. I shared what was going on in my working life and how it was affecting me. She shared how frustrating it had been for her to know things weren’t working but not being able to understand why.
It was during this conversation with Luanne that I realized I needed to seriously consider the adverse effect my client contract was having on other important facets of my life. Because I had resolved the trouble I’d been hired to solve by this point and was confident that new leaders would be capable of taking the company into the future, I made the decision to step away from the client contract. I am so grateful to Luanne for helping me look at the big picture and realise the need to make that choice.
It was a powerful meeting, and I truly believe that the ability to be honest and open with each other totally changed our ability to work together. Plus, it resulted in personal growth. Together we grew 21 clubs and we finished the year as a team, as allies, and as friends.
Going forward our District reformed, and we were then in different Districts. However, we had become such great friends by then that as we’ve attended the convention over the years, we’ve looked for accommodations that we could share. We’ve even been known to co-host some legendary post-training celebrations before Convention.
More than ten years later, we live over 5000 miles apart, and our friendship remains and continues to strengthen. When I decided to run for International Director, I asked Luanne if she would serve as my Campaign Floor Manager. I asked not only because we were friends, but because she was someone whom I trusted, and I knew she would always be open and honest with me. Today as I’m aspiring to the role of 2nd VP, my good friend Luanne will be there beside me again, supporting me as my Campaign Floor Manager.
I reflect now on the significance of conflict in teams. Each year at this time we come together to form new leadership teams in Clubs, in Districts, and on the Board, too. We need to get to know each other, how we work, what we aspire to, what we fear, what we doubt. We need to build trust. Conflict is inevitable as we navigate our differences. I’ve come to accept that. The key is this: it is vital that we are honest with ourselves, acknowledge our own role in the conflict, find the courage to open up, and build trust.
People often ask me why I stay in Toastmasters. A key part of it is deep friendships, like this one with Luanne, forged out of conflict, that makes this place such a warm home to me.
